November 2007

Soon it will be Christmas and I will decorate because I know you and Jeff would want me to, and for Jeffrey, and Madison because they are so young and don't understand sorrow and going to heaven.  They know you and Trevor are in heaven, but they do not know where that is and I never let them see my pain or sorrow because my two boys are not here with me.

I remember the Christmas's when you were small and the gifts would fill the tree and out into the living room.  With four of you it was hard to keep them hidden until Christmas Eve.  I still have some of the old movies that were silent of our tree and the gifts, and of Christmas morning when you all would run into the living room and see all the gifts there were.  Nelson would pass out the gifts one by one and we'd watch as you all opened your gifts and when you were small, you'd sit on Jeff's lap while he helped open your gifts, leaving his until yours were opened.  I could see how much you loved your big brother and I can't help crying when I think of those days.  The happy memories we had in our house, the songs we'd sing while I played the piano and the great food we'd all share when the rest of the family came over for dinner.  And now how lonely it is living alone, thinking of you and Jeff in heaven and knowing you won't be calling me on Christmas morning.

 

August 30 2007

Today is your birthday son and I miss you more than life.  I know you'd hate to know that I'm not allowed to see your children or have anything to do with them so I hope you aren't aware of it.  Soon it will be Christmas time and you know how much I used to love that time of year.  For the past few years I've been putting up a tree and decorating again.  

After Jeff was killed there was a few years when I didn't celebrate it at all but I realize he'd hate that knowing how much the season always meant to me.  It's a lonely time of year any more, but I do try to celebrate the season and put up the beautiful lights.  I may keep them up this year and not take them down at all.

I'd give anything in the world to see and hold you and Jeff again, to talk on the phone like we used to do.  Jeff never missed a day calling me in the twenty odd years he was there.  And while you and I didn't talk every day, we did email back and forth and we talked at least once a week.

I'll never forget what you and Jeff said to me about my dog.  That you didn't want to be here when I lost her, and also you didn't want to be around when it was my time to go on.  Well, God listened to you both and now I'm the one here with the pain of losing both of you.  Please try to contact me and let me know you're both around.  I love you so much and life isn't worth too much any longer.
Mom

 

Laurie contributed this message on Sunday, November 4, 2007: Trev, I wish you were here. Y'all all left me and sometimes I feel so alone, I feel like the only survivor on deck of Titanic. asheville, nc      laurie contributed this message on Thursday, September 20, 2007: You punk azz, you coulda left me dad.... laurie contributed this message on Wednesday, August 15, 2007: If tears could build a stairway, And memories were a lane, I would walk right up to Heaven To bring you home again. No farewell's were spoken, No time for goodbye, You were gone before I knew it, And only God knows why. My heart still aches in sadness, And secret tears will flow, What is meant to me to lose you, No one will ever know. laurie contributed this message on Monday, August 13, 2007: Guess what...yep I still miss you too bad. Laurie contributed this message on Tuesday, July 24, 2007: Still missing you... The Tat was horrible. We laughed and said you made it happen since I made fun of your rooster....that's ok I can deal with it, everything about you being gone is messed up so why not your Tattoo...it's fitting. Love you always.... poops laurie contributed this message on Thursday, June 7, 2007: Oh yeah...it was as bad as I thought it would be. Laurie contributed this message on Wednesday, June 6, 2007: Trev.. Tommorow will be 2 years since you ripped my heart out. Some days are so unbearable. I was talking with Bobbydean about you,laughing at you chasing cars.I wanted so bad to call you and laugh with you about that and talk with you about Curtis who has just ripped his families heart out. If you guys are in Heaven together I hope you're there laughing at things we used to do to. I'm so sad inside I don't know what to do with myself. OMG I miss you so much. I'm getting a tattoo tommorow, you know I have to. Everyone will forever see the piece of my heart that is missing. I love you so much, ...Laurie MARGIE JUMP contributed this message on Monday, June 20, 2005: Shirley my friend. I can say that even we have never meet. I am so saddened that you lost your other son, trevor. I feel I have walked many roads with you only through the interent and the few phone calls we have had. I was so sad and angry over the loss Of Jeff and now Trevor. I can not relate but I feel. My tears fall for them and you honey. I just want people to know with out you I might not be here. You were my mentor over Jimmy and you did save me yet you do not know it. thanks shirley. You must go on even tho I know you want to be with your son's. but I am afraid it won't work that way honey. There is much still for you to do if not for others just for you and your family. Shirley I love you and know I did do what I could but the name was put out wrong. It was under my husbands name. David Fawcett. it does not matter to me if you know honey , I just feel you would want to know who what and etc. All my love and hoping we can still meet one day. Margie and Jimmy for freedom LAS VEGAS , NV eMail: margiejump@earthlink.net Debs and Arkie Barton contributed this message on Monday, June 20, 2005: May God bless and protect Shirley, Trevor and Jeff at this time of sad parting. They are an incredible family, an inspiration with their goodness and caring for others, And God is blessed to have Trevor join his army. May the love and memories sustain Shirley until the days she holds her boys in her arms again. Southend, Essex eMail: arkieswife@aol.com WCI Maryland Prison Support contributed this message on Monday, June 20, 2005: WCI Maryland Prison Support owners and members would like to extend their respect and condolences. We pray that God will grant you the peace that passes all understanding and that you will be secure in knowing that Trevor is now with Him. Nancy Claar/Jan Nitz, co-owners Bedford. , Pa eMail: ennjay2007@yahoo.com Leslie Woods contributed this message on Monday, June 20, 2005: I am so very sorry for your loss and am praying for you all that you may find peace and know that Trevor is with his big brother, Jeff. Susanville, CA eMail: leswoods_2002@Yahoo.com Shirley Dicks contributed this message on Monday, June 20, 2005: My dearest son, I was devastated when I lost your big brother Jeff but never in a thousand years thought I'd ever lose you too. I'm not sure how I'll get through it all without you as well, by my side, speaking out against the injustices of the world. You reached many young people with your talks and I know you saved many lives. Although I know you are in heaven with Jeff, my heart is truly broken this time around with too big a hole to fill, and tears that won't stop. My life seems too empty at this time, but I will try to continue on with the work that the three of us started, just not right now. Until we meet again on the other side, I love you both and was proud of all you both accomplished in life, and will try and make you both proud of me. Mom beechgrove, tn eMail: sdicks@blomand.net Joanne Colby contributed this message on Thursday, June 16, 2005: Robin, Riley, Alisha, Jazmarie, Nelson, Sue, Shirley, and family. I am very sorry for your loss and I hope to you Trevor, that peace will come at last. Love, Joanne Westmoreland, NH eMail: joanne.colby@libertymutual.com Angela Rawls contributed this message on Thursday, June 16, 2005: To Shirley, Marie, and Family, I'm so very sorry for your loss. Your family has been a blessing to so many, touching hearts, helping hands, inspiring me and others, changing this world for the better. You are in my prayers and in my heart... Always, -- Angela Smyrna, TN eMail: Jessica contributed this message on Thursday, June 16, 2005: Wow, uncle Trevor there is too much to say, too many memories, and too many thoughts. You were a gift on earth and I am so thankful God placed you in our lives as the wonderful uncle, husband, brother,father, son, and friend that you are. You are an amazing person and as we miss you down here, I know that you are in heaven smiling down. Love of life was shone through you and your sense of humor could make even the saddest person, smile. I love you and miss you, until we meet again... your neice .:*:.Jessica .:*:. Asheville, NC eMail: sweetdixiegrl7@yahoo.com laurie contributed this message on Thursday, June 16, 2005: What am I gonna do without you...who will laugh hysterically at odd hours over mundane things with me now...You've left a big hole in alot of lives. I hope you know how much you were loved and needed by so many. I'm gonna miss you something awful until we are together again...in the meantime, convince God you need internet access up there ;) I love and miss you too much baby Brother. Ron & Brenda Thomas contributed this message on Wednesday, June 15, 2005: We love you! Asheville, NC marie contributed this message on Wednesday, June 15, 2005: trev you are the best big bro anyone could ask for and i am thankful that god gave you to me thank you for all the good times. and always being there when i felt alone. I cant wait till we are together agine.i love and miss you more then you will ever know.. you are my toro i hope you have found the peace that you deserve you will never be forgetten you will live on thru Riley and Jaz.we love you your little sis re Beechgrove, TN Brenda Thomas contributed this message on Wednesday, June 15, 2005: Trevor, I know your life was full of trials and tribulations yet you overcame the obstacles and grew to be the man I will always remember and love. Now it is time for you to finally rest and spend time with your big brother Jeff. I love you so much and I will always treasure that night we all did karoke over at nana's house. You made a difference in so many lives. You truly are an angel. Love you, Aunt Bren Asheville, NC

 

2006

My angel was called home and I miss him so much.  Trevor you'll never know the pain I feel.

August 30, 2005
Happy Birthday son, this is one of the hardest days in my life.  I miss your voice on the telephone, I miss seeing you, holding you even though it wasn't that often that I got to NH to visit with you.

Maria and I miss and love you so much.  I ask God all the time, WHY.  Why did he take you from us when you had so much to give.  When you had three children you'd leave behind.  I know it wasn't your time on earth.  I know your temper and that you'd been fighting with Robin all day long and so you didn't pay attention to the driving.

I know Jeff was there to meet you when you arrived, but you must know how empty my heart is without you boys.  I can't bear to think of life without you two in it.

July 2005
Trevor was taken from us at an early age.  He was 37 years old when his truck accident took his life in NH.  His ex sent him out that night knowing he'd been drinking and shouldn't have been in the truck driving and yet she kicked him out.  Told him to leave and go to his fathers, which is what he did, only he never made it that far.

Trevor didn't have an easy life and after his big brother was wrongly convicted, Trev grew up angry, and became dependent on drugs and alcohol.  His temper would flair at times, but at other times he was funny, and could keep you laughing.

His later life was spent speaking out against the death penalty and talking to kids about drugs, alcohol and violence.  He knew about those because he'd lived it.  Starting with school, kids would not play with him because he had a brother in prison so he turned to pot and finally to harder drugs.  He lost his license and yet kept on driving getting tickets.

His first marriage he had a daughter born which he wasn't allowed to see after their divorce which made him bitter as well.  He finally was able to get off the drugs, after  he spent thirty days in a rehab in Tennessee.  The drinking was harder for him to kick.  His father had been an alcoholic for over thirty years and so the pattern followed. 

Over the years he married again and had two more children, Riley and Jazmarie. They lived in NH but Trevor would speak out on the Journey of Hope against the death penalty.  They did this two weeks out of the year and in a different state each time. Trevor felt better about himself when doing this and he walked across the state of Ohio with Sam Reese Sheppard to show his support.  Sam's father was Dr. Sam Sheppard who was arrested for the murder of Sam's mother and Sam tried to prove his innocence.

Trevor always gave his all in what he did and what he believed in.  He especially liked to speak to the kids at schools and tell him how he overcame drugs, and that he was working on the alcohol.  He found peace with God and was really quite religious even though he didn't talk about it much.  But he'd tell me how angry he'd been at God when Jeff had been taken and I had felt the same way so I knew where he was coming from.

Trevor, me and Maria went on the Journey in Georgia and Virginia and Trev went to the Brudahoff march in Pennsylvania. We also went to speak at the college in NY at St. Bonovitch and brought my video, The Choice Is Yours to show to the kids there and then we both talked about our experiences.  Trevor was a fantastic speaker and the kids were spellbound while listening to him and he gave it his all.  He was so passionate at what he believed in and the kids could feel that passion.  Trevor made a big impact on the kids and many told him that they'd learn from his mistakes so there's no telling how many kids he saved from prison, or worse, death.

 He also went on a couple of the talk shows with me after I wrote our life story.  He could articulate so much better than I could.  I never felt comfortable standing in front of hundreds of people speaking, but I felt so strongly about it that I did it.  I knew I'd never be able to do it as well as he could and that's why it was such a shame that he had to go home to heaven so early when the kids needed to hear his message.

One thing I was surprised at was no one from the Journey of Hope attended his funeral after all the talks and things he'd done for them trying to help.  He gave his all to help, to march, speak out, donate and no one came.